eat what you love

"Awareness, not deprivation, informs what you eat"
- Geneen Roth, Women Food and God 

i see my experiences as little constellations.
each a separate entity connected by bizarre lines and squiggles
which is ironic because i have never been one to see the big dipper
nor any of the constellations that are supposedly blatantly obvious.
but i see my experiences.
and i see the makeshift designs between them
and i see their connection.
this, i see.
perfectly well.

it looks like standing in the grocery store holding a petit jar of organic fair trade tahini
the health nut in me is pleased that it is organic
the food politic nut is content that it is fair trade
and the broke student is discouraged that it costs 8 dollars.

it looks like holding my prutruding belly after over-eating
and wondering why the hell i just did that.

it looks like being gifted a book
placing it on my book shelf
and refusing to open it because it just seems to know too much about me already.

it looks like hitting the gym out of guilt, not out of love.

it looks like stepping around every weight scale i see because
who really cares what it has to say, any way?

my own constellation.
my own web of food and love and body and self.
it all comes down to this:

i want to succeed in feeding myself well.

does that sound odd?  i suppose it is.
but i really mean it.
the word "well" in that sentence is subjective.
and that's really the beauty of it all, isn't it?

eat what you love. eat what makes you well. whatever that might be.

and if my mission tells you only one thing about me, it should tell you this:
i do not believe in God, soul mates or coffee.
but i do very much so believe in one sole thing:
what you put on your fork is a reflection of what you think of your body.

i can say this with confidence only because i have put many different things on my fork for many different reasons.
i was raised on meat and potatoes, transitioned into a restrictive protein-only diet, moved to vegetarianism, flirted with veganism, danced around raw food, and came back to seasonal whole foods.

i will not tell you i am a vegeterian.
not because i am not but because i refuse to label myself.
labels are for packages.

eat what you love.

my journey with food has been hectic, nourishing, heart breaking and it will never end.
but let me give praise where it is due:
my culnary adventures have taught me how to be grateful.
i am oh so grateful.
i know my body in ways i haven't before.
i know the sensation of full just as well as i know the tingling sensation of hungry.
i know when i must eat more vegetables.
i know the shape of my hips in winter when i focus on grains and roots and the dwindling of said shape in spring when i shift to greens.
i know what it really means to have a piece of chicken on my plate.
a soul has died so i could eat it.
it used to walk on this earth and see colours and hear sounds
and it gave that up so i could eat it.
and isn't that just something to be oh so grateful for?

you're free to call it hippie-dippie, new age bullshit.
i call it whole foods. cooking with love and awareness and loving myself through loving what i eat.

eat what you love.

side note: i have oh so many references, thoughts and recipes when it comes to food and food politics.
i'm an open book (obviously) so, dear friends, ask away.